The Andru Edwards Weblog

For a few weeks, I pictured your face for what seemed like a million times. Whether I was right or wrong wasn’t what I was focused on, but I knew that whatever the result, I would love it. I pictured your older brothers interacting with you, Alijah looking at you with wonder as he tried to help take care of you with the limited ways that he knew how. The thoughts of once again holding a tiny little miracle that seemed so small compared to everything else in the world, but so big in the scope of our life, overwhelmed me at times. Not in a bad way, but in a way that any parent feels it when thinking about meeting their new little one for the first time. I just couldn’t believe you were real, and that you were here...just inches away, tucked inside of Mommy’s tummy. Just a month ago, you weren’t even a thought in my mind, and now, you are the focal point.

Facing the reality that you will no longer be here in 28 weeks is harsh. Before I couldn’t believe you were real, and now I can’t believe you are gone. In my mind, all the excitement has turned to anguish. There are so many questions, and so few answers. Amidst all of the confusion, facing the reality of losing you, there are a couple of certainties. What I do know is that in this short, short while, I have grown to love you. In an odd way, I already miss you. I know you can’t read this, but somehow I know that perhaps - one day - I might be able to tell you about these feelings. Daddy loved the idea of you, the reality of you, the future of you...and, you yourself. Mommy did too. I look forward to that day, when we are someplace better than here, I might hold you in my arms and finally see the face that I dreamed about a million times. I know one thing is for sure. It will be perfect, just like you.

I will keep you in my thoughts until that day comes - but for now, I must say bye bye baby. Sleep well, and we’ll see you in The Morning. I thank God for that.